“An acorn turns into an oak tree…it’s extraordinary.

… The difference between you and me, and the acorn, is that we can say no.”

-Marianne Williamson, in this interview with Marie Forleo

This post is the second installment in a series called “Start with Yourself,” a tour through the Hero’s Journey, and how it applies to our lives.   The first one was on the call to adventure.  Sign up in the box to the right to be sure not to miss an installment!

Why don’t we just do the things we feel called to do?

Last week we talked about the very first step in the “hero’s journey”—hearing the call to adventure.

 

This week, we’re asking the question: why do we so often turn away what we’ve always wanted to be and do?  Why are we sometimes so quick to shut down an adventure that could be the beginning of everything?

 

You’ve seen this happen in your own life, in big ways and small.  Here’s one potential scenario: there is something you want to do.  You know it’s important because it pops into your head and then suddenly you realize that you’re really hungry, or that it’s really important to go watch that rerun of that show that you’ve seen 100 times, because if you don’t do it right now, the internet will definitely not be hosting it later.

 

The funny thing is that hearing the call is one thing–accepting it is another.  In some great adventure stories, the heroes are simply swept off on an adventure, seemingly with no ability to protest.  But usually, there is some level of denial, some struggle to keep things the way they are.  This is actually the next step of the hero’s journey: the refusal of the call.

 

When you’re watching a movie, and the protagonist makes an ironic comment like, “I would never do [thing I’m about to embark on an adventure to do right now]” you just laugh and sit back to watch things unfold–you know that the editor is setting things up to  show you the full transformation.  That this character is really going on journey whether he wants to or not–his protests are just part of the normal intro rigamarole.  As you watch, you can laugh and roll your eyes, because this guy just doesn’t even know what he’s about it get in to.

In movies, as in life, there are a few main reasons why we refuse these calls to adventure, even though we can sense they are the foundation of our next story:

 

 

Habits of deafness (to the call, that is)

 

When we’ve avoided what we feel called to do–in big ways and in little–we create cognitive dissonance that we then have to spend time and energy avoiding.  When we know there are those pesky calls and (perhaps for one of the below reasons) we aren’t going to answer it, we focus on making ourselves busy to avoid the silence, to avoid hearing (or re-hearing) the call in the first place.  Our job becomes avoiding information we feel like we can’t handle, and we find ways of filling every silence, packing every minute, and sidestepping people, places, or things that might reach us in ways we’re unprepared for.

 

When this becomes a habit, sometimes it works, for a time.  In life as in most movies, however, the hero who unsuccessfully avoids hearing the call eventually finds himself suddenly faced with it dramatically–when he’s fired from his job, or diagnosed with a fatal disease.  Or his kids are kidnapped by Captain Hook and taken to Never Never Land.

 

 

The inertia of the comfort zone

 

The comfort zone is a beautiful and dangerous thing.  Once you’re in it…..well, you’re comfortable.  And doesn’t everyone want to be comfortable?

 

Any time we try something new, or step out into the unknown, we risk feeling stupid, awkward, out of control…like a beginner again.  We might mess up.  We might be laughed at.  We’ll probably suck.  Sometimes it’s a lot more fun (and less painful) to know what’s going on.

 

The problem is, no one ever grew from hiding in the comfort zone.  And as most movie-watchers know, a movie without drama is just plain boring.   No one becomes an expert without first being an awkward beginner.  And no one goes on a transformative journey without first stepping into some sort of unknown.

 

And yeah, yeah, we know that… but…. we’re already sitting on this couch.  And the cushions are really deep and squishy.

 

 

The many flavors of fear.

 

Fear.  Hello there friend, and tyrannical boss, when we let you be.  Our incredibly useful friend in survival, and sometimes terrifying bully in adventure.  Fear will get an entire hero’s journey post of its own, but for now I’ll just say that there are three main types of fear that keep up from saying yes to adventure:

 

Fear of the Unknown

An adventure is a wildcard.  Even if it’s just the adventure of walking through a forest in the dark.  Predictability is a form of comfort, and even when the inertia of the comfort zone is overcome with action, our mind is very imaginative with the sorts of horrors we could find in unknown places, people, or things.

 

Fear of Failure

When you’re trying to climb high, the ground is a hard place to be.  We like to envision all the ways that everything will be ruined if this adventure goes awry.

 

How hard will it hurt to really want something–and not just really want it, but really go for it? How much more humiliating, how painful will it be if you don’t hold anything back and it still fails?

 

Yes.  This is intense.

 

Fear of Success

Sometimes a supposed “fear of failure” is hiding an even deeper fear of success.  What will happen if you return the hero triumphant?  What are you making success mean?  What do you think will happen if you return a different person that the one who left?     Are you afraid your best friend won’t recognize you, won’t love you anymore?

 

You as you will return, the Radiantly Transformed Hero, is sometimes a scary unknown quantity, even to yourself.

 

 

Limiting beliefs: cages of our own making

 

Even if we’ve managed to stop avoiding and hear the call, slipped the grip of the inherent inertia of the comfort zone, and faced our fears and decided we want to go anyway, we often find ourselves (seemingly) trapped in cages of our own making.

 

“I can’t leave, I’m not a quitter.”  “I can’t learn that, I have to do this!”  “I would if I had time, but I have to…[live this life exactly as it is/uphold these expectations/do what’s expected of me/insert “have to” here].”

 

The phrases “I can’t” or “I have to” have a way of sneaking into our brain, which then starts to interpret them literally.  Meaning, as if you have no choice.  Here are some real things you have to do: eat. Drink. Sleep.  Breathe.  Use the restroom.

 

The fact that our brain starts to interpret these phrases literally is huge.  Particularly since most of our “haves” are things we choose to do to avoid certain consequences, not live or death imperatives.  When we say “have to” what we usually mean is “less-than-enthusiastically choose to.”   You don’t have to go to work.  You choose to, so that you can keep your job.  If you wanted you could live on the streets or the wilderness and find some other way to survive.  You don’t have to call your  mother—you choose to because you love her and you don’t want her to worry, even if you think she worries too much.

 

Too much “having to” slowly become ruts in our brains, cages in our own mind.  And sooner rather than later we have suddenly learned helplessness, like the poor dogs in the learned helplessness psych study who continued to endure shocks in their cages, since they believed there was nothing they could do to to get out–even when they could have escaped whenever they wanted.

 

If your adventure is calling and you think you’re stuck in a cage…well…it’s likely you won’t make it out the door.  Even if that cage is just a decorative piece of contemporary art, parallel bars in a tasteful titanium frame, free standing in the middle of your living room.

 

Now, dissolving those cages, opening to possibility, and accepting the adventure…..well, that’s next week’s story.

 

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This week’s “start with yourself” challenge:

 

You’ve heard your calls.  Now, notice and name at least one reason why you are refusing it right now.  Do you have a particular comfort you don’t want to give up, even for just a little while?  Are there some big fears about the unknown, failure, or even success that make you hesitate?  What about any “have to”s?

Feel free to share it in the comments!

 

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And speaking of invitations, and adventures: The Alchemi Next Steps Adventure Retreat is open for registration. If it is calling to you now, I hope you’ll answer.